Future generations will ask ‘Where were you when George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney?’
The nerds then went wild for their day had finally come: more Star Wars movies. Forget the chronic disappoint of the prequels and rather crass “George Lucas raped my childhood” accusations levelled at them. (Jar-Jar Binks did take the piss, though.) Disney, in a typically calculated move to one day own the world, now have a certified gold mine to plunder after several sci-fi disappoints, most of all, John Carter. It’s the chance for a new hope. Will Disney finally nail science-fiction and declare, Jenko in 21 Jump St-like, “Fuck you, science fiction!” The Star Wars rights are pretty much a licence to crap money.
Ever since the news broke, sites and blogs have given themselves sore wrists bashing out speculative articles about who will direct. Early word on these, mainly US, sites told us X-Men: First Class helmer Matthew Vaughn was interested in leading the charge and that a ‘source close to Harrison Ford (i.e. they probably made it up) has it that he’ll consider returning as Han Solo.
On the directorial front, most geeks want Joss Whedon but you must take into fact the clear evidence he already made his Star Wars with Firefly and Serenity, plus he’s busy with The Avengers 2, to be released in 2015. The same time as Star Wars Episode VII.
Cinemart suggests the man for the job is lauded US auteur and poet-philospher Terrence Malick. Firstly, he’s from that New Hollywood era despite him only ever flirting with the studios. He can attract a big cast – maybe even Harrison Ford, who took part in an early read-through of The Thin Red Line years ago – and he’d provide spectacle and proper insight into Lucas’s pseudo-religious themes.
Malick has experience with special effects in The Tree of Life and can even boast he’s made a sci-fi movie because Tree featured such scenes as the birth and death of the universe and had a sequence with dinosaurs. The man can handle the big stuff!
Can you imagine the teaser trailer and surprise fans would get? (After the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer?!) We can… (wibbly-frame):
Ext: A montage: The arid, partched wilds of Tatooine. Images of light shimmering on water, shadows cross over boulders and rocks. Jawas frolic under an unrelenting sun. A young boy swings a make-shift lightsaber around in his dusty yard. His mother is an angel. A chair moves on its own. The force. A stern father watches his son play with a few alien friends in the backyard. The mother picks up the son and swings him around.
Voiceover for the montage: What’s these midichlorians in the heart of us? Why does the Force vie with itself; creating Jedis and Sith?
The Father: The empire is long gone, boy. Ain’t no use in the Force. You’ll be a farmer like me and your father’s father, Luke Skywalker, before he got ideas into his head about Jedi Knights and bringing down the evil empire. (There’s the continuity link.)
The Son: You’re wrong, Pa. The Force is stronger than you can imagine.
The Father: Well, then. You’ve felt things I’ll never feel. Now go fix up that rusty old R2 unit, boy. (Another link. Gotta have R2 in it!)
Ext: A farmyard. The son is now an older teenager. The son and father sit on a veranda
The Son: I’m leaving this place, Pa. I’m gonna go to Coruscant and learn the way of the Jedi.
The Father: If you go, don’t you come back – ever.
Ext: Outer space. Planets explode, light blasts in a multitude of colours, a small spacecraft passes a giant red planet.
The Mother (voiceover): Son, you’ve got to make your own way in this universe. The Jedi is the way of grace and the Sith the way of the dark side.
INT: The mother and son sit at the kitchen table. A chair moves on its own.
The Son: The last Jedi is out there, mother. I’ve got to find him.
EXT: Back into space we go. A ship zooms across the outer rim of a massive planet.
The ghostly voice of Yoda (voiceover): Hmm, Jedi you are, like great-great grandfather. Train you he will.
EXT: The bogs of Dagobah. An elderly man comes out of a hut. It’s Luke Skywalker played by Mark Hamill (he was cheap). Imagine the fanboy high-fives at this moment when they realise it really is MARK HAMILL.
Luke: You have found the way to grace, my boy. A wise leader once told me that fear is the path to suffering. I sense … the dark in you.
EXT: Outer Space. The endless galaxy.
The son (voiceover): The force … show me … guide me to you…
Operatic music kicks-in as another montage of images shot after Malick was relieved of his duties and replaced by Zack Snyder (to make it more commercial. Disney execs who hired Malick are fired by Mickey Mouse). Jedis fight with their lightsabers and we glimpse epic star battles like what we’ve seen BEFORE – now in slow motion.
Cut to: a shot of all Star Wars characters past and present (but not JAR-JAR FUCKING BINKS) on a beach landscape as ethereal music blares.
Title: Disney-Lucasfilm presents … a film by Terence Malick, Star Wars: Episode VII – The Tree of the Jedi
Instant fan reaction to the teaser online: Man, that looks BORING. But Douglas Trumbull’s SFX were the bomb! Followed by a flurry of ‘What we learned from the Star Wars Episode VII trailer’ articles.